How a mediator can help you navigate tricky family dynamics

Unfortunately, when it comes to caring for aging parents and loved ones, it’s rarely that simple.

Late-life questions — like where a parent should live, who should handle what responsibilities and who should pay — can become sticky issues. Not to mention anything related to wills, estates or a loved one’s finances.

It’s no wonder families can get tied up in knots. A mediator’s job is to find ways to untie them.

Too often, families flatly refuse to work together, says Doris Haas, RN, owner of Atlas Care Management & Eldercare Mediation, in Broward County, Fla. And more than hurt feelings are at stake. If the dispute lands in court, a judge may assign a court-ordered guardian.  

That means a stranger decides for your family based on applicable laws—and not necessarily your wishes.

Haas has seen it happen too many times. In one situation, three siblings couldn’t agree on where their mother should live. “The judge named a stranger as guardian," Haas says. "And this stranger took over and made all the decisions. None of children had any say.”

Getting past the past

When family members don't see eye to eye, it's easy to get into a battle over being right — and who may have been wronged in the past. What's best for Mom or Dad can get lost.

A mediator can help families work through a wide variety of issues — anything that impacts the life of your loved one:

• How family members will share caregiving tasks
• How money used to care for the loved one will be managed
• Who gets to make health care decisions
• What will happen with any inheritance
• Where the loved one will live

It's not just about current arguments. Mediators can set families up to keep working together successfully going forward, too. That might mean scheduling a monthly call or creating a group email or chat to review caregiving needs and schedules.

Indeed, the best eldercare mediators are aware of the challenges that arise as loved ones transition into each new life stage, along with the potential for caregiver burnout and spousal care concerns as they themselves age. 

When to turn to mediation 

It can be tempting to keep trying to work it out on your own before adding yet another caregiving expense. But early mediation is best. Once a crisis erupts into something a judge must decide, it is harder to unwind.

Haas recalled one mediation case in which a daughter served as her mother’s primary caregiver in Florida while holding power of attorney as well. The daughter worked hard to care for her mother. But her out-of-state brother grew increasingly concerned about his sister’s mental health, especially as she grew more stressed by her mother’s.

The brother’s desire for more say in his mother’s care at first aggravated both sister (who felt attacked) and mom (who resisted change). Rather than take their issues to court, the siblings agreed to mediation and their mother (who at first refused to speak to a stranger) joined the conversation.

“In the end, the sister vented, vented and vented but decided to pass power of attorney to her brother because she realized it was really stressing her out,” says Haas. “She wasn’t able to do it anymore. But it took the mediation for her to realize that.”

The siblings also decided to hire a geriatric care manager to help the sister coordinate her mother’s care. Meanwhile, her brother took over more long-distance duties from his home in Ohio. “They were able to figure it out and work together,” says Haas.

What to expect from a mediator

A mediator should act as a neutral third party. Their job isn't to add to the conversation. It's to create a space for everyone to be heard.

They may help a family come to a consensus about a particular issue, or work long-term on more complex concerns. When successful, a mediator will help families avoid costly legal battles and keep siblings united (or at least on speaking terms).

While many mediators are lawyers by training, they will not make legal decisions for the family. Instead, mediators work to keep family members focused on the priorities at hand and questions that need to be answered. That way the family can come to their own consensus.

All family members are entitled to legal advice from their own attorneys at every step of the process and before they sign any document. For instance, you may need the help of a lawyer if the group decides to sell a major investment, such as the family home.

Creating solutions that work

In the end, disagreements over how to care for your parents are not at all unusual. It’s how you solve them that matters. To that end, while mediators won’t act as a family therapist, Haas says such conversations are often therapeutic.

“It’s not easy to unpack decades of family baggage,” she says. “But once you get it out and talk about it, then you can say, ‘Okay, let’s focus on your mom.’”