Dealing with resistance

Find ways to help make changes a little easier to navigate.

Sometimes caring feels a lot like nagging.

There are times in caregiving when it feels like no good deed goes unpunished. And no small request comes without rejection and resentment.

“It hurts,” says Lisa Hammer, who has been caring for her 71-year-old mother for about 10 years. “It makes you sad and it’s very stressful. You sometimes feel guilty, trapped, overwhelmed. But you keep telling yourself you’re doing the best you can, and most importantly, you’re doing what is best for your loved one.”

Hammer's mother is battling dementia, essential tremors and diabetic neuropathy. And that's led Hammer, 49, to take on monitoring her meds, housekeeping, assisting with basic needs, providing support and companionship, and paying the bills. In other words: It's a lot.

But while Hammer is eager to return the love, care and nurturing she received from her mother as a child, the feeling is not always mutual. Sometimes she feels like a nag.

This is not uncommon. But there are ways to navigate and improve these relationships.

The challenge: Losing independence can foster resistance and even anger.

Sure, it can be overwhelming to take on the job of getting a loved one to appointments, dosing out meds and making sure they eat what they should. But remember: It's no easier for the person who’s been used to taking care of themselves for their entire adult life to give up control.

A solution: Make your loved one a part of the decision.

“It’s important to acknowledge the person's feelings and preserve their independence while ensuring their safety and the safety of others,” says Leah Challberg, senior program manager for the Minnesota-North Dakota chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association. “Dealing with the issue early can help ease the transition.”

Rather than taking away driving privileges, for example, look at the situation as finding the best way for the loved one to get around. Try to find the best possible solution together, suggests C. Grace Whiting, president and CEO of the National Alliance for Caregiving. Approach challenges from the mindset of overcoming them together.

Especially when a loved one is dealing with dementia or other impairment, the teamwork mentality will help to avoid confrontations. “Remember it’s not you versus your loved one, it’s both of you versus the condition,” Whiting says.

The challenge: Important health behaviors are a struggle.

You work so hard to keep them healthy. Shouldn’t they keep up their end of things?

Yet for many caregivers, a loved one’s resistance to the health regimen they should follow can be a daily battle. And think about it: Have you ever tried and failed at starting your own healthy diet or exercise routine? Having someone else breathing down your neck about it doesn’t help.

A solution: Focus on the why.

Use life goals to help encourage healthy behaviors, suggests Whiting. For instance, if a grandparent is intent on walking a grandchild down the wedding aisle, associate that with the importance of regular walks.

Remember the team mentality here, too. Use words like “we” to ensure your loved one knows that you’re just as much a part of achieving the goal as they are.

And if a loved one doesn’t want to take their medications, ask them why. Are they making them feel sick? Are they difficult to ingest? Or are they just forgetful? Talk to the doctor and see if they are all necessary or if there’s a more suitable regimen. Listen to the why.

The challenge: You’re at odds over what your loved one should eat.

Eating can feel like one of the only remaining independent choices our loved ones have. Yet nutrition is crucial to health and wellness.

A solution: Brainstorm creative compromises to satisfy their cravings.

No one wants to be blamed for always taking away the good stuff. Try to think of yourself as a partner in their health rather than a gatekeeper to the cookies. Pay attention to what they’re asking for and see if you can find a compromise. Is it salty, fatty favorites like steaks or burgers? Perhaps home cooked burgers and oven fries could fit the bill as a healthier alternative to the drive-through.

Remember, the goal is to make the loved one both happy and healthy. Don’t overlook the “happy.”

The challenge: Your loved one becomes anxious or aggressive.

People with Alzheimer’s or other dementias often have trouble communicating their thoughts and feelings in the usual ways. Their behavior may make no sense to you—but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make perfect sense to them. “It’s important to remember that all behavior is communication,” Challberg says. Don’t just brush that aside.

A solution: Try to understand the root of the behavior.

Try to figure out what they’re trying to express. Could they be in pain, cold, hungry, sad, bored or lonely? “Sometimes we can decode the situation and help,” says Challberg. “Even when we can’t figure it out, we can respond with kindness and respect knowing that it is always worth the effort.”

In the difficult moments, Challberg says, remember not to come down on yourself.

“Be realistic,” she says. “The care you give does make a difference, but many behaviors can’t be controlled. Grieve the losses, focus on positive times as they arise, and enjoy good memories.”